


Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine.

by kotekru



Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Character Study, Depression, Gen, Kobayashi Maru, Mental Health Issues, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23374564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotekru/pseuds/kotekru
Summary: This is a story about James T. Kirk, born 2233, in Riverside, Iowa. His life and hardships, battle with mental illness, and how he managed to win in the end.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock
Series: A man takes his sadness down to the river [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699948
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Reader!  
> This is a heavy topic, obviously. For me writing this was therapeutic, as I have also suffered from mental illness. The way Jim experiences bipolar in this story is very similar to my own experiences, but obviously these are not universal.  
> As a psychology student, and someone who has been in therapy for some years I hope I did the story justice.  
> For anyone out there who's suffering: things do get better, and if you are able please seek help!  
> Title from Richard Siken- Little beast  
> For possible triggers see end notes.  
> xo  
> (There may be a second installation, thanks quarantine)

Jim was born in space. Jim was born at the same time his father died. And people wouldn’t let him forget that for the rest of his life. His first few birthdays were memorials, he doesn’t remember them, but he’s seen the pictures. The birthdays he remembers were sorry affairs. There was always cake and presents, and he was loved, but the silence that hung in the air wouldn’t let him forget the reason he was here at all.

Aside from that, he had a good childhood, he spent his time with his mom and Sam. They would go for hikes and watch the stars from the garden at night, his mother would cook and tend to the garden while he played with Sam.

When he was young, he was always curious about everything, he read books faster then his mother could buy them. Nothing seemed to be enough to quench his thirst for knowledge, and he couldn’t get enough of all the adventures his heroes went through. More often than not Jim could be found reading in his room, more than once his mother was forced to take his book because he just wouldn’t go to bed or leave his room for lunch.

That was before Frank. Before Sam left. Before mom left. Before everything. Truly Jim barely remembers those times, he couldn’t name a single one of his preschool mates or what else he might have done besides read. But the stories have stayed with him, the heroes have made a home in his mind, and they stayed.

His mom was very much like him, always searching for new knowledge, the next adventure, so when Starfleet offered her a post on the USS Mercury, she took it without a second thought. Or so Jim imagined, she never showed any sign that she was anything but eager to leave. And so, Sam and Jim were left in the care of Frank, mom and he were married, so it was not a question whether they would stay behind in Iowa.

When mom left, Frank became lonely and he started drinking, and when he was drinking, he was mean. He would tell Sam that he is useless, and a punk, and irresponsible, he would tell Jim that he was stupid, and he would never get anywhere in life, and that he was a wimp.

Jim was no wimp though, one day he had had enough, and he took Frank’s precious car and drove it off the edge of the ravine. It was childish. He was a child. But Frank got mad, he thrashed the living room and made Jim pick up the broken pieces of the vase he shattered against the wall.

After that Jim was afraid, he avoided Frank at all costs, stayed out as late as he dared, had dinner when the food has gone cold, and his door was always locked. Sadly, this also meant that he barely ever saw Sam anymore, but he couldn’t do anything.

Sam was big now, he fought back against Frank all the time, giving just as good as he got. Until one day he had enough, too. Sam left. He left without a single glance back.

Jim was alone, and Frank was getting worse, some nights he would bang on his door so hard Jim feared that it would break. He tried to tell mom in their ever-waning communications, but she never did anything.

Until one day, months after Sam has gone, Frank was gone, too. His clothes were gone from the closet in the master bedroom, his toothbrush and shampoo missing from the bathroom shelves, he didn’t even leave a note. He just left.

Mom came home for a week that time, she was tired, she slept a lot, she also drank a lot, or so Jim thought. He never saw her do it, but he was familiar with the smell by then. He was so happy to have her back, that when she told him about the colony it crushed him. She was shipping him off to someplace called Tarsus IV where some distant family members lived, he would go stay with them. Mom went back to space, and Jim was on a shuttle to his new home. He didn’t take much with him, just some clothes and a copy of his favorite book.

Things were quiet after that. He was doing well in school, he shared a room with his relative’s kids, and they stayed up late sometimes playing games. It was good, like a summer camp or a vacation, but It didn’t quite feel real.

When the famine started, he first didn’t understand it. What does it mean that there isn’t enough food, who is Kodos, and why does he get to decide who gets to eat? When the executions were announced he was filled with terror. He didn’t want to die. So, he ran before anyone could even try to harm him.

He ran right out of town, leaving everything behind and hid in the woods. It was a good plan, to run away from death, but soon hunger started creeping in. He knew that if he stayed, he would die, but if he was found in town he would surely be executed.

He held out as long as he could, then one night he gathered the last of his strength and sneaked into town. By that time the 4000 colonists that were sentenced to death had been executed. The town was eerily quiet, he could only see guards on the streets. He went through the abandoned houses, trying to find anything edible, but he found nothing.

It was the last house on the street where he came across the children. They were all huddled together in one of the windowless back rooms. Thomas was the oldest of them, he welcomed Jim and introduced the others. There was eight of them, all frightened and gaunt looking.

They all stayed together, at night they would go out and sneak from house to house, sometimes coming across a mouldy piece of bread or a can of food someone left behind, they would share everything. Then they would find a new place to hide.

This went on for about a month. The smallest, Bertha, was so sick by that point that they were just waiting for her to drop dead.

That’s when the relief arrived. They were all so distrustful, thinking it was just a trick Kodos used to draw out the last few people who refused to die. It took almost an entire day for a young Lieutenant to coax them out from under the bed they have been hiding at.

In the hospital they were separated, the last time he would see Thomas the boy was shouting at a nurse, screaming bloody murder because she touched Bertha without asking first.

Things became a little better after that. He was nursed back to health, and in a month, he was back to eating solid foods, he gained back most of the weight he lost, but the muscles would take time to grow back. But it was okay, he understood. And mom was there. She came when Jim has been in the hospital for a week and two days. She hugged him so tight that he could barely breathe, and then he held her as she sobbed into his shoulder. Apologies and promises falling from her lips without end.

In the end, Jim spent two months and three days in the hospital. He never did see any of the other kids again, and for some reason he was glad. Therapy took enough out of him, ripped up the wounds in his mind every other day, enough so that to see any of the kids he survived with would have broken him.

His mom came every day, to visit. She brought tea for him, and they would sit in silence. He would stare out the window while she stared at him. Jim had no idea what any of it meant, but he was glad for the warmth of the tea, and the whispered “I love you.” when she would leave.

After Tarsus Jim went back to Iowa, he spent his teenage years fighting with mom. She didn’t seem to understand what he felt, she was overprotective and overbearing, and he resented her for keeping him from everything. He was a man now, or so he kept telling himself.

Then she left, again. She was posted on another ship, chief engineer she informed him. That was better. With the distance, she seemed to become more understanding. She seemed to have realized that Jim was indeed old enough to take care of himself. That trust she had was everything to him.

For two years he took good care of himself, he learnt how to cook, he kept up the garden, he fixed when something broke. He was the king of the house and he loved it. He excelled in school, he had so many friends he could barely count, and he started dating his first girlfriend.

Her name was Carol, she was tall and blonde and absolutely gorgeous. Sometimes she would come over and they would spend the time playing house, she would make him a sandwich and he would sweep her off her feet for a dance around the living room. They would make out in Jim’s room or in the shade of the trees outside. It was a wonderful time.

It was the summer before senior year when things started going bad. Jim became withdrawn, he gave up trying to go out with friends, he stopped fighting with mom over patchy subspace transmissions, he stopped reading his books, and he stopped calling Carol. He didn’t want anything. When he was at home he would just lay in bed, he was tired all the time, no matter how much he slept. For the first time in years, he was haunted by Frank and the Tarsus children.

He stopped eating. He stopped going to school. He broke up with Carol.

At first, he was sad, he wanted to cry all the time, the only time he slept was when he exhausted himself crying into his pillow for hours. Then he became angry and frustrated, he felt like there was a scream trapped in his throat, his insides shredding as it climbed its way through him. And then came the emptiness. That was the worst of it, that feeling of nothing, no emotions, no thoughts, it was like the world has gone dark and he was lost, never to be found. He was all alone. He wanted to disappear, to never have existed in the first place, he wanted to be dead without the guilt of having killed himself. He thought about that too, suicide, he thought about it but there was always the voice of his mother whispering in his mind that it would be too selfish. That voice would help him bury that feeling for a day or two, but it would always be back.

This went on for months. Mom has stopped calling. His friends stopped calling. Carol gave up trying to get through to him. He dropped out of school.

He spent his days haunting the house, he never left anymore, the garden has been overgrown with weeds, the tomatoes he spent months trying to grow lay rotten on the ground. He did have better days, days when he didn’t feel like it would kill him if he ate more than a slice of bread, days when he could shower without crying, when he could take two steps out the door without collapsing. But these were rare. He was wasting away.

Then one day mom showed up, Jim had no idea how long he had been a ghost. He heard her throw her suitcase in one corner, stomp up the stairs, she threw Jim’s door wide open and started shouting at him. He can’t remember anymore what she said that day, and perhaps that’s better. What he does remember is the look on her face when she took in Jim’s appearance, and the state of his room. She looked crushed, later she would tell him that he looked almost like the day she first saw him after Tarsus. He wouldn’t know, he hasn’t been able to look at himself in a long time.

She sat down on the edge of his bed with a heavy sigh and asked, “What happened, Jimmy?”.

Next day his mom took him to see a doctor, he sat there quietly, barely even there, while his mother explained that he was not okay. He wasn’t paying much attention, so when his mom stood to leave, he stood too.

“No, Jimmy, you should talk to the doctor first.” She said, gently coaxing him back into the chair.

He watched her leave. The doctor asked him questions about things like sleeping and eating habits, and about his friends and his love life. It felt awfully invasive, but he answered truthfully if a little slowly. He realized while sitting there that before mom came home the day prior, he hadn’t spoken to anyone in weeks. His voice was weak and tired, and that’s how he felt too. He felt wrung out, he just wanted to go back to bed.

“James, I think you would benefit from coming to see me.” The doctor said. “For now, I would like you to create a routine, nothing big, just make a bedtime and a time when you wake up and at least two mealtimes a day, and to keep to them. Do you think you can do that?” That’s how therapy started.

At first, he resented his mother for bringing him here, he disliked the idea that he was an invalid, that he couldn’t take care of himself, but he did start doing what the doctor told him. He woke up at the same time every morning and went to bed at the same time every day, even if he couldn’t sleep. He had breakfast and dinner every day at the same time. At first he felt stupid, he wasn’t a child to have a set bedtime, he shouldn’t be told when to eat, but it helped. Gradually it became easier to be awake during the day, to eat when he was hungry.

The first time he could shower without crying he called his doctor and thanked him. After that he went every week, then every two weeks, until the meetings tapered off into monthly affairs.

Recovery was hard, it took effort, so much effort, but as he crawled out of the pits of depression, he started to feel alive again. His appetite was back, he started reading again, he searched out his old friends, he talked to Carol for the first time in months. Slowly but surely things got easier, better.

He took his high school exams that winter and got a job at the local watering hole tending bar. Things were okay, Jim felt more balanced, the void and emptiness were gone, he was back amongst the living.

And live he did. He dated around, slept around, he made friends with the patrons and the staff, he took up cooking again, he started taking courses at the local university. Nothing fancy just things that grabbed his interest like Introduction to programming or Ancient human literature or the History of warp technology in the alpha quadrant. He built a greenhouse so he could grow plants all year round. He enjoyed his life, it was fulfilling and full of fun and joy. And for a while he was okay.

Then things got out of hand. He felt like he was too full, there was too much energy inside him, he was angry all the time, but it wasn’t really anger. It was this feeling like he could explode any second, like he was a balloon overfilled with water ready to burst. He did anything he could think of to get rid of this feeling, he drank himself stupid, but the feeling stayed, he fucked and got fucked by so many he couldn’t even keep count, and when even that fell short of scratching the itch he started fights.

After a particularly bad one he ended up at the hospital, his brow had to be stitched together. When he got home, he drowned himself in alcohol and broke his hand on the wall.

That night finally scared him enough that the next morning he called his psychiatrist. They haven’t been in contact for over a year, and it felt like he lost something, a bet or war he didn’t know.

They set up a meeting and went over what happened, Jim explained the feeling in his chest that tried to tear him apart, how it felt like he needed to tear his skin off sometimes, how he couldn’t stop doing all these things, how none of it even came close to scratching that itch.

That day he left the office with a prescription for some drug that would help with the mania, because that’s what it was. An episode of hypomania. The doctor explained that the treatment would take a couple of months, that the first week would be hard but then his moods would even out. He explained how this drug was able to reprogram this problem at a cellular level and that if he was patient, he could live an entirely normal life again.

So that’s what he did, he took the pills, he went back to therapy, he did the work. In his free time, he started to study psychology and the following semester he took Psychopharmacology at the university out of curiosity. Life went on. Half a year later they started taking down his dosage and another two months later he was drug-free.

Jim started taking classes at the university in earnest, and two semesters later he majored in psychology. He didn’t have any plans becoming a therapist, he just wanted something to show for all his hard work. His mom was there for graduation, she was on leave, and they spent the whole time together. They cooked and took hikes and Jim showed her the greenhouse. Then she was gone again, and life was back to normal.

On his night off he went to the bar he worked, to hang out with the staff and his favorite customers, he was just getting back from taking a leak when he spotted the most gorgeous woman. She wasn’t a regular, and she wore the cadet red of Starfleet, so he thought why not try. She wouldn’t stick around, and she didn’t know him, it was perfect. That’s how he met Uhura.

That’s how he ended up in Starfleet.

From the moment Pike dared him to do better than his father, he knew what he wanted. That night he quit his job, packed up the house, locked up and never looked back. On the shuttle, as he sat next to the grouchy doctor he wondered if this was the right path, if he could even do this. He shook off his fears and watched through the porthole Iowa grow small in the distance.

The academy was nothing like he expected, he thought it would be like university had been, he thought about bored professors and uninterested students, small dusty dorm rooms and crappy food. The academy, however, was the exact opposite, with it’s sleek and shiny buildings, the impressive halls, it was awe-inspiring. He was command track so he mostly took tactical courses, diplomatic instructions and combat trainings, he took xenobiology out of curiosity and engineering so he could understand what his mother fell in love with.

He was thriving, the people all dedicated to their fields, the diversity and the fact that they were all equally invested and interested made for an amazing community. Jim was inspired every day, and he was excited for his future for the first time in his life.

He made many friends like Gary and Finn, and of course the grouchy doctor Bones. He dated Ruth for a while, an amazing third-year geology student, they were together until she graduated at the end of the year. First-year went by quickly.

During the summer he stayed in the city, discovering all its hidden parts with Gary and Finn, taking hikes and going bar jumping. It was an incredible summer.

Next year he dated around for a while, Bones was annoyed at his string of lovers, and the fact that he was the crappiest roommate. In his defence though he limited his exploits to nights when they didn’t have class next day, and entirely stopped when exam period rolled around.

Bones begrudgingly became a fixed point in his life.

That summer he took classes so he could graduate early and spent his extra time annoying Bones at the clinic.

All in all, things were going great. His last year rolled around and he was eager to finish, he only had a few exams left and the dreaded Kobayashi Maru. He didn’t know what to expect. It was a simulated battlefield scenario, he had taken many of those already, he was practised, he couldn’t imagine why everyone hated it.

Until he took it himself. After the first time he went back to his dorm room and cried for hours, he cried until he was shaking and couldn’t breathe. It sent him spiralling, he was barely able to go to classes, and when he did, his head felt heavy and empty. He started eating less and stopped exercising.

It took a week before it got so bad that Bones had to intervene. He has of course known about Jim and his history of mental illness, Jim told him about it one night when they drank too much. He was glad for that now. After a few calls with his old psychiatrist and some help from Bones he slowly got better.

Within a month he was back to his usual boisterous self. He decided to take the damn test again, Bones was vehemently against this, clearly, it was a trigger for Jim, why would he do something so stupid. Jim was confident that the month and a half he spent in therapy prepared him to deal with those emotions. He was now entirely ready for the test, now he knew how to handle the situation, how to cope with the fallout. So back he went, and he failed again, but this time instead of with tears on his face he came out with determination. He was committed to not failing.

That’s how he ended up in this mess. As he stood opposite the Vulcan and heard him say “You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk. A Captain cannot cheat death.” He felt rage fill his veins.

“I of all people.” Repeated Jim. He couldn’t believe that the professor would go there.

“Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?” the commander said without intonation, as if he did it without emotion it would make the argument less personal.

The hearing broke down into a fight between the two, he had no idea that Vulcans were capable of so much disdain. The man clearly resented him. He didn’t have time to ponder this, as news came in that Vulcan was under attack.

And then everything was a blur. The Enterprise and running through the shiny new corridors, Uhura and then the bridge. And then the Romulans were on screen demanding Pike to surrender and Jim was afraid.

Then he was plummeting into the atmosphere of the red planet. Then they were in the transporter room and he was aching all over, and he saw Spock appear with his hand outstretched and a look of utter devastation in his eyes. Vulcan was gone, and they were leaving.

Delta Vega scared him, the emptiness and cold felt like a memory and he was desperate to get away as fast as he could. Then Spock was there, old, with kind eyes. When he emerged from the mind-meld he felt lost, all the emotions and thoughts that were alien and not his filling his mind and made it uncomfortable.

Then he was back on the Enterprise and telling Spock that he never loved his mother, the hand on his throat felt welcome after everything he has said.

He doesn’t expect the easy way they work together with Spock like they have known each other forever the way they move as one, think as one both scares and exhilarates him.

“It's logic, Spock. Thought you'd like that.” And they watch the Narada disappear.

And then it’s over, they are going back to Earth limping on impulse power, and Jim is finally able to breathe again. Once it was all over, he felt raw, the adrenalin still rushing through his veins made him feel disoriented, he kept expecting another fight, another moment to run for his life, another punch to the gut, another tragedy, one more miracle to pull out of nowhere.

Then things calmed down, his heart went back to pulsing one beat at a time, his hands stopped shaking and his mind cleared.

The first thing he did once they were planetside again, he went to Spock. He stood outside Spock’s flat and considered leaving, but he didn’t. He rang the bell and was invited in quickly. He apologized at length, “I would have never said any of what I said if I didn’t know that the exact opposite was true. I cannot imagine the toll those moments took on you and I hate that I had to push you like that. I hope someday you might forgive me.” and Spock offered him tea with shaking hands.

Two hours later he left with the distinct feeling that everything would be okay.

The cadets who took part in the mission were exempt from their final exams, Kirk’s academic demerit was dismissed, and he was appointed Captain of the Enterprise. In the months that the Enterprise is refitted he spends working through the events of the Narada incident, he struggles for a while but just like before he works his way through it, his therapist is kind and understanding and empathetic. It’s slow and painful, and he has to forgive himself for the things he said and done, it takes a long time. By the time the ship is ready, he is in fighting shape again, and he can’t wait to be among the stars.

When Spock shows up on the bridge and says “As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references.” Jim can’t help the smile that stretches his lips. This is going to be fun.

**Author's Note:**

> Jim is bipolar so expect things that come with that, like depressive and manic phases and what that entails like bad decisions, risky behaviour, self-harm, negative thinking, descriptions of feelings of depression: like emptiness, loneliness, suicidal ideations, etc.  
> Tarsus IV is also featured so genocide, starvation, etc. are in there.  
> The story is realistic about mental illness, so expect ups and downs.  
> If any of this sounds like it might be a problem, please stay safe and don't read! Take care of yourself!  
> You can find me on tumblr @ kotekru


End file.
